Fever dreams

I had a 101.2F fever ten days ago, on the 51 month anniversary of Jane’s death. For the first time, I was not physically at her grave on the tenth of the month. The flu saw to ending that streak in a way no amount of rain or snow or heat or cold had succeeded in doing.

…we need to work more effectively together.

There is a line in The Who’s Tommy about sickness taking “the mind where minds don’t usually go.” My mind took that journey as fevered day turned into fevered night and fevered day for the better part of a week. I’m not sure what I learned from that reminder of mortality, only that something feels different.

The empty grave

I went to the cemetery Saturday, the first day my fever went below normal for a good portion of the day. It was rainy and raw and I gave myself a small relapse that night as a result, for all that I only stayed long enough to walk from the car to Jane’s stone, leave three kisses there, and walk back to the car. For the first time, the gesture seemed empty and almost silly.

…something feels different.

I had no sense of her presence there for the first time since she died. It felt as though her soul had moved on. Maybe it has. Maybe it is time I started thinking about my life without Jane as something beyond this endless war against NET cancer. Not for the first time did I remember that this is not the life she wanted for me. But it was the first time I thought, “maybe she’s right.”

Mourning and killing

For 51 months I have focussed on just two things: mourning Jane and killing NET cancer. Oh, I’ve redone some rooms and worked on expanding some garden beds; I’ve sorted through Jane’s clothes and possessions and sent them on to others where they could do some good; I’ve travelled to Seattle to visit family; but each of those things has been about mourning and dealing with loss.

…the gesture seemed empty and almost silly.

I’ve done some social things as well. But all of those have either been centered on NET cancer or served as a reminder that Jane is not here and that I am truly alone without her, no matter how many people are around me–and no matter how much they are focussed on me and trying to get me to feel better–to forget, even for a little while, the treasure I have lost.

The first burden

A grief counselor suggested recently that I take too much responsibility on myself–that somehow I make myself responsible for all the ills in the world–and for solving those ills. She’s right. Every time someone dies of NET cancer, I feel responsible for that death. “If only you’d worked a little harder, they wouldn’t be dead–we’d have a cure,” the little voice that imitates Jiminy Cricket mutters in my ear.

…I am truly alone without her…

The rational me knows better, of course. I know precisely how that sense of responsibility was born back when I was a child. It is the burden every eldest child carries–especially those from large families. When a younger sibling did something wrong, even if we were not physically present, it was somehow our fault. We were supposed to set the example–and when they failed it was because the example we set was not good enough.

The second burden

My parents added another layer of responsibility to that. Periodically, my brothers and I would be set some task–cleaning the cellar, mowing the lawn, something long and involved. I would do what seemed my fair share of the job–whatever it was–more quickly than whomever I was working with. But if I stopped there to let them do their share, I was told, in no uncertain terms, that I was to work until the job was finished–even if it meant doing more than the others.

…the little voice that imitates Jiminy Cricket mutters in my ear.

I grew up with the idea, then, that I was responsible for everything–no matter when I started and no matter how much of the job I actually did. I grew up with the idea that I was responsible for everything that happened both in my life and in the lives of everyone around me.

The responsible and the impossible

The result is, I set impossible standards for myself and ridiculous goals for anything I put my hand to. There is no such thing as “good enough.” Anything less than the highest standard I can reach is unacceptable.

…I was to work until the job was finished…

That I have rarely failed to reach whatever goals I have set–no matter how insane they appeared to people in the outside world–has reinforced the idea that nothing is impossible if I can put my mind to it and recruit enough of the right people to make it happen. Arguably, Jane’s death was the first time I had not found a way to outfox what any sane person would see as a no-win scenario. In some respects, the work I have done since on NET cancer could be seen as an effort to correct that failure.

Facing the impossible reality

But I have set myself a seemingly impossible task, especially in the way I have approached it. Just keeping up with the research on NET cancer is a significant time and energy commitment. Translating that new information into laymen’s terms requires another not insignificant amount of time and energy. Getting that information out to people who need it through this website, social media and podcasting, brings just that piece of this work to a 40 hour a week job.

…I was to work until the job was finished…

Fundraising and awareness raising consume similar amounts of time and energy. Record keeping, social media, public relations, team building, grant reviews… There is a reason the American Cancer Society employs the number of people it does–a reason that the household names in cancer funding employ the staffs they do.

Impossible isolation

There are at least a dozen small foundations working on NET cancer. Most are one-or two-person operations established and run by individuals whose lives have been touched–or destroyed–by NET cancer. We are, each of us, determined to bring this beast down. But too much of the time, we are working alone. We are isolated–and that isolation weakens the effect of our efforts.

…I have set myself a seemingly impossible task…

And even the bigger foundations–the Carcinoid Cancer Foundation and the Caring for Carcinoid Foundation–are hamstrung in their efforts by the tiny size of their staffs. I know what it takes to organize a conference, do a major mailing, maintain a website… What they do–what all of us do–is nothing short of miraculous.

Creating a new road

But there is an awful lot of weight on a very small number of shoulders. And sometimes it seems like we are all trying to carry the full load by ourselves. We cross-post some things on Facebook, Pinterest and elsewhere. But we don’t seem to talk to each other very much beyond the needs of the moment.

…isolation weakens the effect of our efforts.

I’m probably the worst of us when it comes to that. It was the mistake I made at the beginning–and it is a mistake I have continued to make since. It has left me physically and emotionally exhausted–and when I look at what I wanted Walking with Jane to be and what it has become I know that I cannot continue as I am.

Recruiting stories

Back in January, I wrote a series of pieces on goals for the year ahead. Among those goals was the need to develop closer ties among all the groups engaged in the fight against NET cancer so that we could all do a better job. It is still an item on the to-do list.

…we don’t seem to talk to each other very much…

But we need to do more than simply unite the groups working on this in the US and elsewhere. We need to get patients and caregivers far more involved than they are now in the public relations, fundraising, and awareness sides of this. I tell Jane’s story constantly–and it is a powerful one that rarely fails to grab whatever audience I tell it to and move them to some action.

Coming together

But each patient, each caregiver has a similar story to tell–and they are stories we need to tell–and tell to the broadest audience we can reach.

I tell Jane’s story constantly…

There is a stone on my desk with a quote from Helen Keller etched into its surface: “Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much.” We need to stop working in isolation; we need to work more effectively together.