We forgive those we love unconditionally for what they do. Like any couple, Jane and I had disagreements. But those disagreements were nearly never carried out in public. We could argue. We could get angry with each other. But one or the other of us would eventually see we were wrong and apologize. By the following morning, we had forgiven each other and moved on.

Most adults do not actually argue about the things that are really bothering them. The result is the real issues in a relationship never actually surface. Neither of us would ever let the other off the hook. When one of us became upset over what appeared to the other to be a minor issue, the question of the real issue was always pursued.

Early in our marriage, I used the phrase, “To the moon, Alice” from the old Honeymooners television program with Jackie Gleason. Jane was so angry she couldn’t speak. Gradually we got to the main issue: she was afraid the line was prelude to me becoming emotionally or physically abusive. Intellectually, she knew better–but emotionally was a different matter. Knowing that land mine was there was all it took. She forgave me for the comment–and I made sure to avoid anything even jokingly similar thereafter.

The power of forgiveness screams from the pages of the New Testament. Christ drives away a group of people who are about to stone a woman for adultery with the simple, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” When the mob gives it up, he forgives the woman and sends her on her way. What people forget is that he forgives those in the mob as well. By asking them to examine their own consciences, he begins to unleash the awesome power of forgiveness in their lives as well as hers.

The day before we went to the hospital for her heart surgery, Jane sat on the couch with me. We said many things that day. She was determined that this operation would be the first step to her return to good health. “I fully intend to survive this,” she said. “But if I don’t, I want you to know that you have given me a wonderful life–that the last 23 years, I have been truly alive because of you. I want you to know that you did everything right. But if you think you screwed up somehow, I want you to know that I forgive you for those things. I don’t want you to carry any guilt with you. You did everything right. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Here was a woman who knew–as I did–the odds for her long-term survival. There is nothing trivial about open-heart surgery. Valve replacement is not a heart transplant–but under the best of circumstances, it is not a routine operation. And Jane’s circumstances were far less than ideal. Yet there she was, forgiving me and telling me to move on if the worst happened.

I said similar things that day. We both went into her last month mutually shriven–not by any church or authority–but through each other.

People forget that in forgiving others we gain forgiveness for our own errors.